Inspired by the sight of Brechin City holding the Diddy Rangers to a 1-1 draw (after 90 minutes) on the 29th July 2012
The Diddy Rangers Song
(Saint) David Murray cleaned them oot,
Cleaned them oot, cleaned them oot.
David Murray cleaned them oot,
They're the Diddy Rangers!
Ally Bally spikkin shite,
Spikkin shite, spikkin shite.
Ally Bally spikkin shite,
They're the Diddy Rangers!
The Hungarian Marching Song
Hungary, Hungary,
Hungary, Hungary.
Take an Orange Walk,
And go back to Hungary!
Cruel Brittania
Cruel Brittania!
Brittania robbed her slaves,
Ally Bally and the Walk-Aways!
2012! No Readies!
Tuesday 31 July 2012
Wednesday 11 July 2012
The Scenery Watchers
7th July 2012
Once upon a time, long ago and far away, there was a beautiful country with wonderful scenery. The people who lived there liked nothing better than to watch the scenery and they were called the Scenery Watchers.
Now you may think that that sounds very lazy and inefficient. But the Scenery Watchers believed that they were able to think of all kinds of good ideas purely because they took the time to stop work and look around them every now and again. And they were a very inventive people who gave the world some excellent ideas and clever inventions. They liked to give these things away because they feared that developing their ideas in their own country might damage the scenery and leave them worse off in the long run.
There came a time when some of the young Scenery Watchers wanted to turn some little-watched bits of scenery into factories to make electricity. This was agreed to, so long as the electricity was not allowed to accumulate and interfere with the scenery. Arrangements were made to give the electricity to the needy in another country and the scheme went ahead. For year after year the factories produced electricity and the electrical wires took it away so that it couldn’t spoil the view.
Colonial Scotland, 25 miles from Aberdeen;
the DHL-Scenery-Tax-Free-Zone, as seen from
the DHL-Scenery-Tax-Zone.
the DHL-Scenery-Tax-Free-Zone, as seen from
the DHL-Scenery-Tax-Zone.
But hard times came to the needy people who received the free electricity. They began to say what a big favour they were doing the Scenery Watchers. It soon came about that the Scenery Watchers began to pay the needy people for the excellent job that they were doing in preventing the scenery from being cluttered up with electricity. Little by little the Scenery Watchers came to feel that it was more important to work long hours so as to pay the needy people than it was to watch the scenery.
“So long as the scenery is still there we can watch it when we have more time,” they said. The harder they worked the less time they had and little by little they became less inventive and distinctive. Tourists still came to see the wonderful scenery but they began to see the Scenery Watchers as fools who did not know that they were living. “If the Scenery Watchers do not appreciate the value of electricity,” said the tourists “then they won’t miss a few oilfields and military bases.”
The tourists began to stay and set themselves up as the masters of the beautiful land. The Scenery Watchers had failed to see themselves and they became servants in their own house.
© Louis Mair 2012
Tuesday 10 April 2012
Concrete Group
Louis Mair, June 2011, displayed on Union Terrace Gardens
Sir Concrete Jungle hereby proclaims and decrees that a competition will be held to determine the most profitable way to create a desert in that part of His domains known, in the vulgar tongue, as Union Terrace Gardens
A big bonus is offered for the right scheme.
Sir Concrete
The Big Bonus Society
The old-school-tie it decorates
The flabby necks of deep ingrates.
Gangsters lie and Bankers steal
Their ugly world is not for real.
Class-Z drugs and mortgage debts
Snare the peons in their nets.
Resist the call of siren-scum!
A better day must surely come.
© Louis Mair
April 2011
The Long Goodbye
Piur Wendy’s been McLeished; or is it just another smokescreen? Wee Njoka is still selling devolunion in Malawi
Goon Broon can’t hold on in the Wastemonster House forever. Will he come hame tae Glebe Street or jet off to Hollywood
Louis Mair
Published on Aberdeen-music.com
December 2007
Friday 2 March 2012
The Mists of Cadbury Castle
What little I knew of Somerset village of South Cadbury
The village wasn’t hard to find despite a very authentic arthurian mist. It was there, roughly where the map had predicted. It was small, a one pub village, as expected. It was a bit too tidy and well groomed to meet with my pre-conceptions of thrifty wurzels but that hardly registered as I entered the village hostelry.
This was as smart and modern inside as it was outside. I asked for food and drink and was served. My request for information on James Stockton met with a blank look. The barmaid told me in a London
About an hour passed during which I heard no trace of the kind of Somerset London Somerset has been turned into a theme park for people from London
I was far too polite to say that I had never met anyone from London
Was there a night in the youth of the hostile barmaid when she blacked up her face and listened to a pompous Oxford Stockton
Were the few survivors quietly loaded on an early morning flight that never happened? Destined to endless opportunities to serve the United Fruit & Drug Company?
Did a phone ring at the bedside of one of Her Most Imperial Secret Scum? “Somerset
Did a phone ring at the bedside of one of Her Most Imperial Secret Scum? “
What really happened to the village I knew so much and nothing at all about? According to James Stockton, or maybe it was Tolkien, in the time of our greatest need King Arthur will return and sort out the imperialists.
It could be any day now!
Louis Mair
October 2007
Troo Stories Frae The Windsor Piggery
Published on firstfoot.com
December 2004
I wiz an Orraman at the Piggery fur forty year. I wiz yokit under The Lairdess Bessie, n I workit under The Laird Chairly n I retirt under The Orange Lairdie himself. I wiz wunderin if ony ither budy wid like tae share thir tales o fit like it wiz tae shuffle shite at The Windsor Piggery.
I mind fan I wiz jist a loon ma faither teen me tae meet the Auld Grieve. The Auld Grieve spiert at me aboot fit wae dae ye tie a knicky-tam n sic like. I kent it wiz lookin guid fan the Auld Grieve telt us a joak.
N this wiz the joak: Fit wae diz a poly-trickan look at a jobbie floatin in the gutter?
N the answer wiz: He tilts his heid back.
Weel, the Auld Grieve laught, my faither laught, n uv coarse I laught tae. I ay mindit thon joak, n I telt it tae the Auld Grieve monys a time n he aye laught. Tae be honest I nivver kent fit wiz sae funny bit I aye laught tae!
So if thirz ony ither budy fae the auld days foo nae drap us een o they extasy-mails?
Lou MacNeep
The House That Nobody Built
Published on siol-nan gaidheal.com
One of the constitutional anomalies defecated upon us by Tory Blain‘s Parish Council is this: The sovereign subjects of the Crown have had no meaningful input into Scotland’s Stormont. Whether you vote for the McTweedledees or the MacTweedledums cannot change the contradictions inherent in placing a Colonial Assembly in a sovereign state. One of the worst features, from our point of view, of The Miralles Palace is the choice of name.
Both “Holyrood” and “Parliament” are words that we subconsciously link with the kind of future we would wish to achieve. The reality of Culdessac Castle is muddled before you consciously start to think about it. This may be mere coincidence. The continuous series of such coincidences that stretch back beyond 1603 is statistically improbable. In this discussion I shall confine myself to the possibility that an agency is at work. I believe that some series of linked actions have worked upon the lofty ideals of our nation to reduce us to our current state of fear and servitude.
Whether the agents of our challenges are human or not is something of a philosophical point. Imperialism seeks to portray itself as human; yet each individual unit of imperialism takes no responsibility for their actions; you could argue that imperialists are (by definition), sub-human. In Celtic Philosophy the Fomore are the sub-humans; Freud called them the ego. “By their deeds shall ye know them.” Just look around and ask yourself: “Do we have real problems; moral dilemmas?” Is the House of Cro-Magnons a symbol of colonialism?
As a word Scotland
Suppose we were to try to find an appropriate name for Dewar Manor? Could it not become an outlet for our wit, imagination and sovereignty? Whether we did this informally or as an organised competition with prizes must surely depend on the active contributors and the website jannies. How about a Siol Name Our Shame Competition?
We are in a ridiculous position, if we can’t laugh about it we are liable to become the caricatures they are trying to sell us. Many thanks to those who made it possible for me to share this little thought with you.
Tapadh leibh gu dearabh.
S.W.
Between September 2004 and April 2005 I suggested the following names:
Dewar’s Droop
Jock Colonial’s Byre
The Fellow Traveller’s Rest Building
The House of Ethical Imperialism
The Governor General’s Mansion
The District Commissioner’s Lodge
Lizzie’s Bordel
Saint Eliza’s
The Brown Envelope
Smoke Without Fire
An Taigh Nan Pochan
Dingly Dell
Doolie Albannach
The Toothless Dragon
The Browned O
Falsettoes
Menteith’s Monument
The Suck Stops Here
Arse of Mid-Lothian
Cower Of Scotland
The Vauxhall Conference
Scots Wha Hinnae
The Union Of The Clowns
The Dunedin
The Take-It-Easy-Palace
The Blunderstag
The Whitewash House
The Caledonian Authority
The Orange Zone
The Hungarian Embassy
La Familia Desecrada
The Morally Handicapped
Huntingdon Life
Inward Incestment
Dolly The Flock
Nedz In Sootz
Suction 43
Cheery McChubby’s Reward
Seats For Sale
Uncle Jock’s Cabin
The Budapest
Swinecastle
Lothian Zoo
Halliburton Hall
What Every Waster Wants
A Re-hab Too Far
The Weasels Of Mass Deception
The Scum Never Sinkz
The Hunnypot
The Rose And Floated
Alternativz 2 Custody
The Gouk’s Nest
The Parleymince
Arthur’s Stool
A Window In Thrums
A Window In Thrums ©Louis Mair, January 2012
1. The House on the Brae
Glenprosen poster poser Kirriemuir Herald, 25 March 1993, Page 1
An Angus glen is the target of a mysterious poster campaign.
And residents are curious as to who is behind the sudden appearance of posters bearing the words “Settler Watch-Angus.”
These have been pasted or stapled onto trees, fenceposts and walls throughout Glenprosen.
Many were placed in prominent positions on the road coming up to the picturesque glen.
One resident contacted The Dispatch and Herald to see if the culprits could be unmasked.
“I have been taking these posters down as they are spoiling the beauty of the glen,” she said.
“But within two or three days they were back up.”
The poster lettering is Gothic-style, though this has not provided any further clues.
“I have asked around, but no-one seems to know who is behind Settler Watch.
“However, it is believed that the campaign is all about keeping Scotland
“But there is no ill-feeling towards anyone in this area and it’s possibly an outside organisation which has taken it upon itself to do this.”
Similar posters have recently been appearing in the small village of Westmuir
A spokesman for Tayside Police in Forfar said they knew nothing of Settler Watch and were as bemused as the residents.
©Kirriemuir Herald 1993
Helping to transform glen Kirriemuir Herald, 1 April 1993, Letters
Sir,
The glen where I make my home has also been a target for unknown poster stickers, as mentioned in last week’s “Kirrie Herald.”
I have decided that this may well be a very good thing.
The people referred to as “settlers” are hard working and well-educated people.
Slowly but surely, they are transforming an area which was on the periphery of the modern world.
The glens of Angus and Perthshire offer tremendous opportunities to those with enterprise and ambition.
Yours etc,
Geoffrey Smith, Glenisla
In with a Rolls - home on the bus! Kirriemuir Herald, 8 April 1993, Letters
Sir,
Regards Mr Geoffrey Smith’s letter of April 1.
It is precisely this air of arrogance which probably prompted SETTLER WATCH posters in the first place.
Is he really suggesting that, before the settlers arrived in our glens, we weren’t hard working and well educated people?
On the periphery of the modern world indeed!
From what I can see, and the more I see of the modern world, the less it appeals to me.
Perhaps that is the very reason these people settled in our glens in the first place.
If only they wouldn’t try to change everything and be “Lord of the Manor”.
In truth, the majority have no regard for our culture and customs, which have been practised for generations.
The Scots by nature are revered for their honesty, hard work and integrity, perhaps a little lacking in our ANGLO-SAXON NEIGHBOURS.
Quite honestly, we have ourselves to blame for being so complacent, and it is unfortunate to find yourself becoming more like them, if only to survive.
Mind you, probably the fact that we have still retained the ability to laugh at ourselves, and the fact that Mr Smith’s letter appeared on April 1, speaks volumes!
Aye, there’s mony a millionaire arrived in the glens wie a Rolls Royce an hid tae ging hame on a bus!
Yours etc.,
Poor, uneducated, hard-working, local yokel,
Glenisla.
(name and address supplied)
WARNING by The Colonial Office: The Race Relations Act has changed since 1993
You may believe that the date and the tone of the Kirrie Herald story supports the Settler Watch mythology; I canna possibly comment.
2.On the Track of the Minister
There followed four months when the name of Settler Watch did not appear in the colonial media.
You may speculate about a D-notice; I canna possibly comment.
3.Preparing to Receive Company
Late in July 1993 the Pish & Jobbies and Scrotum on Sunday began a ‘mythology of Settler Watch' series. They drew on information from a single source.
You may speculate on Grampian Police’s involvement in politics; I canna possibly comment.
4.Waiting for the Doctor
The September 1993 trial of Dr. Sonja (Vathjunker) Cameron and “the other woman” for the misdemeanour of fly-posting saw a rabid outburst of (anti-German) racism from the empire-loyalist press. Ms. Cameron had been born in Germany
You may speculate that the prolonged persecution by the media of this young woman was being encouraged by a (Secret) Colonial Office; I canna possibly comment.
5.A Humourist on his Calling
In April 1998 Dr. Ian Oliver was dismissed from his post as Grampian Chief Constable by the representatives of the Crown who were legally and constitutionally charged with this responsibility.
In February 2000 a ‘kite’ was flown in The [Glasgow
Letter to The [Glasgow] Herald published: 21 February 2000
Under the Freedom of Disinformation Act it is unlikely that we shall ever know the exact reasons for Dr. Oliver’s jotter-collecting scenario. John R. Stephen (February 18) does the Crown a disservice by mythologising on that happy event.
Louis Mair
Rayne
You may speculate that the morally weak get the imperial masters they deserve; I canna possibly comment.
6.Dead this Twenty Years
My own part in the Settler Watch scandal was to design a vehicle for raising a topic that the great and good were studiously ignoring. I did so peacefully and exposed my supporters to no greater risk (in law) than the misdemeanour of fly-posting.
Imperial powers from Kenya
7.The Statement of Fibbie Birse
9 & 10 August 1993
The boy
who never
Grew up
Mr. Blabby telt a fibbie,
He telt it tae the Filth.
Mr. Blabby and a twinnie,
The Empire gied them wealth.
Mr. Blabby shittin brickies,
Twinnie has piur health.
Louis Mair, previously published: firstfoot.com ; 6 April 2005
A Window In Thrums ©Louis Mair, 2012
Monday 20 February 2012
United Kingdoms
Published in The Herald, 28 January 1993
January 18
Sir,- I would agree with James Cormack that most of the population of England suffers a similar cultural domination to that which afflicts our country (January 16).
It is only when the constitutional and legal avenues for redress are studied that the differences become apparent.
The best we can do for the down-trodden masses in South Britain is to put our own house in order.
By influencing our own people to take a constructive pride in their country we can perhaps be influential in promoting positive influences in foreign lands.
Arnold Kemp also deserves encouragement for daring to put in writing a definition of the “United Kingdom and Northern Ireland” (January 16). I cannot agree with some of his appraisal.
My United Kingdom is composed of two distinct monarchies. In the south lies a constitutional monarchy combining England and Wales. To the north the more ancient and stable partner is a conditional monarchy called Alba or Scotland.
I feel it is very important that we understand our constitutional position. There is an old story about houses built on sand.
Louis Mair
Glen Lethnott
Catalonia
The Herald
October 20 1989
Sir,- Tom Shields obviously has difficulty in distinguishing where Spain ends and Catalonia begins (October 14). Perhaps he sees the blurring of national distinctions as a natural part of Europeanisation. Who knows, he may be foolish enough to believe that an international culture is desirable, sustainable or even possible. However, he is correct in discerning similarities between Catalonia and Caledonia.
When the Spanish feel strong they tend to exploit the Catalans under the banner of integration and education. The Catalans see this process as an attempt at social and economic genocide. With skilful handling, mutual respect, and a stable economy these cultural frictions can be harnessed to constructive purposes.
Unfortunately the background to our own case is more akin to conditions that affected Catalonia in the 1930s.
Is the Catalan experience the only way to prevent the Act of Union being treated as the Act of Surrender?
Louis Pict
Duntarge, Kinneff
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