During the economic boom years of the sixties it became
apparent that beer-drinking led to health problems, particularly amongst
northerners. In the hope of reducing the cost to the health service, research
began in the early seventies at Scamford University. There was little publicity
at the time as academics were afraid of the power of the northern brewery
unions.
Professor Aiam Di’Pindette led the research team which
discovered that beer contains mood-changing alchemoids that produce feelings of
well-being which in turn encourage further consumption, particularly amongst
northerners. The breakthrough came in 1979 when the feel-good alchemoids were
isolated by the research team from the less-desirable part of the beer.
It was at first proposed to publish the team’s findings
as an academic paper. This had been the conventional pattern of university
research work. Discoveries were rapidly published for all to read and academics
would receive awards where their work was considered to be of great benefit.
This traditional approach did not consider the commercial and economic
potential of university research.
A group of public-spirited persons-of-independent-means
had formed SCAMRA (Southern Counties Around Middlesex Royal Alchemy) as a
self-help-group designed to enhance the natural-order-of-things. They were made
aware of Professor Di’Pindette’s breakthrough and offered to finance further
research into the commercial potential of his discovery.
It was found, after years of experiments and trials,
that the alchemoids responsible for the sensations of well-being, worked best
as a thin-film surrounding a bubble of air. If they were allowed to degenerate
to the liquid phase of the beer they returned to the base material with all its
socially-undesirable side-effects. For many years the research centred on
chemicals that would stabilise and enhance the bubble-structure of the froth.
This work slowly yielded results but the synthetic viscosifiers and film
stabilisers were expensive.
The second great breakthrough in the work came about in
1995 when a young research-fellow from Newleybah sourced naturally-occurring
chemicals that had similar properties to the best of the synthetics on trial.
Tuht Kanuht was the young man’s name and it was his work that brought Professor
Di’Pindette’s discovery to the stage where it could be assessed for commercial
production.
The selfless public benefactors of SCAMRA had not been
idle during this period of intense and highly-qualified enterprise. They had
been able to persuade the lluddites of the northern brewery unions to
amalgamate into one large and efficient union with its office in the southern
counties. This allowed the delicate negotiations over the introduction of the
New Beer to begin.
As the natural viscosity and stability agents had a
shorter shelf-life than the expensive synthetic agents, they had to be brought
to the production centres as fresh as possible. This meant air-freighting them
from low-cost material suppliers in places like Colombia and Afghanistan. The
lluddites had never built airports in the north so it was necessary to produce
the New Beer in the southern counties.
SCAMRA had quietly explained to the important people
that this would not be like a traditional old-style northern industry. As the
largest ingredient was air, the New Beer breweries would be very clean and
efficient with no pollution. The weight reduction achieved with the New Beer
would eliminate the need for heavy-lifting. While there would be a very small
influx of northerners to do certain specialised tasks, they would be carefully
selected and trained.
The brewery union was told that the old breweries would
remain open and a few of their cronies would be offered opportunities to train
for jobs in the new southern froth industry. It was an exciting time in the
southern counties. With the old heavy industries the making of exports had been
something that was better suited to northerners. Now, thanks to a lot of hard and
intelligent work, here was a clean product that was cheap and easy to make. It
could be exported to foreign parts using the same logistical network that
delivered our imports.
A few nay-sayers have talked of the betrayal of an
ancient pact with the northerners but this is utter rot. Even if the
traditional heavy-beer industry in the north were to collapse, the natural
generosity of southerners would ensure that they didn’t starve. You cannot
overlook the long-term health benefits to northerners of the New Beer. Every
pint they consume will reduce the damage to their body as well as being lighter
and easier to lift. The potential for sales to overseas-foreigners should not
be under-estimated. With a lot of hard work they could make their own. Yet,
should they get into the habit of buying from the enterprising people who have
the know-how, it will bring money into the southern counties for many years to
come. With our flair for marketing we have reason to be optimistic.
New Beer is the bright frothy future for
socially-responsible class-conscious drinkers. Coming soon to a supermarket
near you!
Bibliography
Di’Pindette, Aiam; An Inquiry into the Health of Nations;
2007; Scamford University Press, Scamford
Keynes, Markettown; Towards a Conclusion; 1966; Scamford
University Press, Scamford
Snatcher, Denee; Like Taking Candy from a Baby;
1975; City Press Group, The City
© Louis Mair 2013
