A Pint of Froth to Get Ahead

During the economic boom years of the sixties it became apparent that beer-drinking led to health problems, particularly amongst northerners. In the hope of reducing the cost to the health service, research began in the early seventies at Scamford University. There was little publicity at the time as academics were afraid of the power of the northern brewery unions.

Professor Aiam Di’Pindette led the research team which discovered that beer contains mood-changing alchemoids that produce feelings of well-being which in turn encourage further consumption, particularly amongst northerners. The breakthrough came in 1979 when the feel-good alchemoids were isolated by the research team from the less-desirable part of the beer.

It was at first proposed to publish the team’s findings as an academic paper. This had been the conventional pattern of university research work. Discoveries were rapidly published for all to read and academics would receive awards where their work was considered to be of great benefit. This traditional approach did not consider the commercial and economic potential of university research.

A group of public-spirited persons-of-independent-means had formed SCAMRA (Southern Counties Around Middlesex Royal Alchemy) as a self-help-group designed to enhance the natural-order-of-things. They were made aware of Professor Di’Pindette’s breakthrough and offered to finance further research into the commercial potential of his discovery.

It was found, after years of experiments and trials, that the alchemoids responsible for the sensations of well-being, worked best as a thin-film surrounding a bubble of air. If they were allowed to degenerate to the liquid phase of the beer they returned to the base material with all its socially-undesirable side-effects. For many years the research centred on chemicals that would stabilise and enhance the bubble-structure of the froth. This work slowly yielded results but the synthetic viscosifiers and film stabilisers were expensive.

The second great breakthrough in the work came about in 1995 when a young research-fellow from Newleybah sourced naturally-occurring chemicals that had similar properties to the best of the synthetics on trial. Tuht Kanuht was the young man’s name and it was his work that brought Professor Di’Pindette’s discovery to the stage where it could be assessed for commercial production.

The selfless public benefactors of SCAMRA had not been idle during this period of intense and highly-qualified enterprise. They had been able to persuade the lluddites of the northern brewery unions to amalgamate into one large and efficient union with its office in the southern counties. This allowed the delicate negotiations over the introduction of the New Beer to begin.

As the natural viscosity and stability agents had a shorter shelf-life than the expensive synthetic agents, they had to be brought to the production centres as fresh as possible. This meant air-freighting them from low-cost material suppliers in places like Colombia and Afghanistan. The lluddites had never built airports in the north so it was necessary to produce the New Beer in the southern counties.

SCAMRA had quietly explained to the important people that this would not be like a traditional old-style northern industry. As the largest ingredient was air, the New Beer breweries would be very clean and efficient with no pollution. The weight reduction achieved with the New Beer would eliminate the need for heavy-lifting. While there would be a very small influx of northerners to do certain specialised tasks, they would be carefully selected and trained.

The brewery union was told that the old breweries would remain open and a few of their cronies would be offered opportunities to train for jobs in the new southern froth industry. It was an exciting time in the southern counties. With the old heavy industries the making of exports had been something that was better suited to northerners. Now, thanks to a lot of hard and intelligent work, here was a clean product that was cheap and easy to make. It could be exported to foreign parts using the same logistical network that delivered our imports.

A few nay-sayers have talked of the betrayal of an ancient pact with the northerners but this is utter rot. Even if the traditional heavy-beer industry in the north were to collapse, the natural generosity of southerners would ensure that they didn’t starve. You cannot overlook the long-term health benefits to northerners of the New Beer. Every pint they consume will reduce the damage to their body as well as being lighter and easier to lift. The potential for sales to overseas-foreigners should not be under-estimated. With a lot of hard work they could make their own. Yet, should they get into the habit of buying from the enterprising people who have the know-how, it will bring money into the southern counties for many years to come. With our flair for marketing we have reason to be optimistic.

New Beer is the bright frothy future for socially-responsible class-conscious drinkers. Coming soon to a supermarket near you!

Bibliography

Di’Pindette, Aiam; An Inquiry into the Health of Nations; 2007; Scamford University Press, Scamford

Keynes, Markettown; Towards a Conclusion; 1966; Scamford University Press, Scamford

Snatcher, Denee; Like Taking Candy from a Baby; 1975; City Press Group, The City

© Louis Mair 2013

Who are the United Kingdomish?

I am so old I can still remember when the English referred to themselves collectively as the British. Is it just whimsy or fashion that causes our partners in the 1707 Union of Great Britain to refer to themselves as ‘The Rest of the United Kingdom’?

If you have never lived amongst them you could argue that they are trying to make the empire loyalist community of Northern Ireland feel valued and respected. A more plausible explanation for me is that they are claiming ownership of a source of money which they call the ‘United Kingdom Continental Shelf’. The Scots should take an interest in this particular source of money; it includes all the oilfields off our coast.

The United Kingdom Continental Shelf is physically attached to the continent of Europe. However it is not in the European Union. Within the convoluted morality of imperialism, a future six-county-statelet version of ‘Scotland’ could be ‘granted’ a fraudulent independence that left our oilfields, the northern isles and sundry military bases as directly-ruled colonies of United Kingdomland of London.

It may be that before we can return to the light and exercise the sovereignty which was not relinquished in 1707, we must explore, as a nation, the darkest and dirtiest corners of the constitutional cul-de-sac. I understand that the Irish have had a long and difficult struggle. John Chilembwe in Malawi and Marcus Garvey in Jamaica both witnessed the greed and hypocrisy of the London Empire; Stokely Carmichael called it the ‘Brutish Empire’[1].

The evidence for perfidious diplomacy is consistent from Daniel Defoe to Denis Thatcher and the 1975 bankrupting of Burmah Oil Company (of Edinburgh). With their overwhelming control of the various communication medias it is their choice of language that will stifle any debate. It is in their choice of language that we gain clues to the likely course of their defence of United Kingdomland’s most profitable colony.

In 1707 the non-sovereign Parliament of Scotland joined Great Britain. The flag of the 1707 Union did not have the red diagonals which represent an English claim on Ireland. Presumably the Holyrood Parliament would formally claim to be a successor-body to the previous Scottish Parliament, prior to making constitutional/bureaucratic changes with regard to the 1707 Union; the union which created Great Britain.

The size of the oilfields in the Atlantic to the west of the Shetland Islands is consistently underplayed by London. Serious money is currently being spent to put in pipelines to exploit these deposits of oil and gas. Serious money has already been spent (by Norway) in developing and building the floating production facilities necessary to exploit these hydrocarbon deposits beyond the Scottish 12-mile-limit. The evidence I see in Aberdeen Harbour of old boats chasing little work suggests, to me, that Aberdeen is not part of United Kingdomland’s plan for west of Shetland. The only practical alternative would be to service these oilfields through Stavanger and Lerwick.

The position of the Liberal Party in the northern isles gives United Kingdomland of London much political leverage in ‘securing’ (stealing) the petro-dollars that will reward the big-bone-us class of Empire Builders. It is a shame that the people of Scotland’s Central Belt are so obcessed with their Glasgow/Edinburgh bigotry. The Hutus and Tutsis could not see the broader picture as their eyes were drawn to the bullfighter’s cape of imperialism.

Only a Swiss or Dutch (or Scottish) model of de-centralisation can hope to make Scotland attractive to the northern isles. It is only through the northern isles that Scotland can build the close relationship with Norway that would be necessary for stability in the North Atlantic. Shetland will certainly survive without Scotland. An independent Scotland cannot survive without Shetland; a Shetland that wants to be a part of our country.

Bibliography

Kurlansky, Mark; Nonviolence:twenty-five lessons from the history of a dangerous idea; 2006; Random House, New York

---

[1] Kurlansky 2006; attributed to Stokely Carmichael; p. 169